Settled.

Settled. That’s how I feel right now. Life the past few months has been chaotic but harmonized, difficult but manageable, tiring but exciting. Since July of this year I have travelled 14,000+ miles, with a mix of flying and driving (probably half and half!). I was feeling unsettled. As though I didn’t have a home...but I do have a home. The meaning of home to me is now not a place but a people. Home is my family. Not a state. Home is my friends. Not a city. Home is much more than this life has to offer. It is a glimpse of where my true home is. Not of this earth. But for now, home is a people. People I love. People who love me. 

I love the northwest. I love the outdoors. I love nature. There is something spiritual, healing, majestic and peaceful about being surrounded by trees, mountains, quietness, away from the hustle and bustle of city life (which I love city life, too! it’s nice to have both not too far from each other). I thought maybe this would be my new home but the last few months I have learned about the definition of what home truly means. I am sitting in my new apartment, feeling settled. I have experienced love, stress, frustration, new friendships, contentment, death. I have felt hurt through what my best friend has gone through. I have been stretched beyond my comfort zone. I have been stretched and tested in my faith. I am learning to love someone, what it means to love and be loved. Allowing myself to be completely vulnerable. I am in a season of life where I know who I am and am continually growing (Do we ever get to a point where we know who we are completely? Life changes, is dynamic, therefore I change.), what I would like out of life, what/who is/are the most important in MY life and in life in general. 

It’s been non-stop. But I would not change the last few months for anything. It has been the most fun, challenging, physically exhausting, emotionally tiring time I have been through but the memories made, the laughter shared, the love expressed, felt and known…no, I don’t want to change anything. At all.

I feel settled. Not because of the physical place I am in but how I feel about where I am in life. How the circumstances and journey of life has changed, stretched, challenged and molded me (and continues to do so). I am curious where God will take me in this fleeting thing called life but for now I hope to live for today because who knows if I will see tomorrow. 

Change is good!

There has been so much that has changed in the last few months. Moving away from home was one of the most difficult and easiest decisions I have ever made. Make sense? :) Moved away from family (difficult). I wanted to travel and experience different parts of the US (easy). I never realized how this experience would have changed me, shaped the person I am today, strengthen me emotionally, spiritually and mentally, challenge me in my work and health. Make me re-evaluate my life and beliefs. Asking myself, "What in my life is suppressing my desire to want to live life to the fullest? (That's an easy answer, fear. Fear of failure. Fear of what others may think. Fear of the unknown. Fear. Fear. Fear. Fear, why you gotta be creepin? It can be a hard emotion to overcome but this journey has made me braver. Braver than what I was before. Actually, as I have aged I have overcome different aspects of fear.) How does my life look as a single Christian woman? How am I loving my family? Friends? Others? What am I doing to make the world a better place? Am I giving of my time, talents (not that I have many!) and/or finances to others in need?" And much more in depth questions and thoughts discussed with my roommate, Natalie :)

This is such a different season of my life that I have thoroughly enjoyed. I know this may sound sad but I have never ENJOYED a season in my life. I have GROWN from many different seasons but never enjoyed AND grown. Childhood, young adulthood, beginning of adulthood, all was HARD. I suppressed much of my feelings about how my life was as a child/teenager, not wanting anyone to know how much hurt, anger and bitterness I was actually feeling (only my sister knew). Oh but if that Bela didn't go through what she did, this Bela wouldn't be who she is today.

I am trying to love each day that God has given me. After all, I don't know when my time will come. When my health may fail me. (As a nurse, I come across young adults younger than me or around my age affected by some kind of devastating accident, illness or cancer and realize the same could happen to me). I find myself meditating on the words William Borden wrote at different times in his bible, "No reserve. No retreat. No regrets." May I have the same mindset as I go through this thing called life!

Enjoyed this hike along Lake Coeur d'Alene, ID