(I've been thinking about this for a while. Thinking about whether or not I should write about my childhood/life. Then whether or not I should write about it in my blog. It's one thing to write about my life in a journal. It's another if I write about it for the world to see. We all have stories of life to share that can help one another - good and bad.
I've also been thinking about how this could bring about complete healing from my past. I often appreciate people's authenticity, honesty and openness and how it must give them some kind of freedom from their struggles - past or present. I know it has for me.)
Let's visit my 5 or 6 year old self and start from there. I felt like a victim for a long time, well into my young 20s. I think it's ok for a child to behave as such but only for so long. There must be healing and closing a chapter on life and moving forward. Please keep in mind I am remembering these memories from a young age and interpreting it as such - now that I am older, a little wiser and more mature, I interpret it to mean something much greater and cohesive and purposeful.
Little Bela was a tom boy who loved to play outside, invent games, laugh, beat up boys and then use the excuse "I'm a girl so you can't hit me," be an annoying little sister, tell on people, and pretend to be sleeping so my puppa would pick me up and tuck me into bed all the while my sister glaring at me and telling him "she's not asleep." Those were some good memories. The years between 0-9 were some good, innocent, childhood memories (and some not so great - it wasn't perfect) that I cherish and hold fast to because my childhood ended abruptly.
Tragedy happened and my sister and I grew up very quickly at the tender ages of 10 and 15. My father died at the young age of 51 from a massive heart attack. The story: he went on a walk with his brother to our small town lake. He told my uncle he was tired and needed to sit down. They sat on a bench on the lake and he rested his head on his shoulder. My uncle thought he fell asleep and when he nudged him he realized my father wasn't sleeping. (We revisit that bench at the lake sometimes).
He was unconscious for a long time for a man who had had a heart attack, 15-30 minutes maybe, with no intervention. So he had anoxic brain injury, kept alive via ventilators. At the age of 10 and 15 we became adults. More responsibility was placed on my sister since she was older.
I remember going into Shands (where I eventually ended up working as an RN) and seeing his body lying lifeless on the hospital bed, talking to him hoping he could hear my voice, holding his hand. Looking at the tubes attached to his body. I remember the smells - like a hospital, can't quite describe it but just that it was unfamiliar and not pleasant. I didn't understand that this was it for him. There was hope in me that he would wake up and whisper my name, "Belu, I'm ok. I'm here."
I remember my mummi couldn't process what had happened so the support of strong family members came to our side. He was kept on the ventilator and other life-sustaining drugs/methods so family could fly in and say their final goodbyes. I remember sitting at THE TABLE. The Table was where my sister, mom and I sat along with a couple of doctors and a few of our family members and we sat around and talked about the future. The future being, "to pull the plug or not pull the plug." The doctors were sensitive to my questions, "can he still hear me when I talk? Can I say goodbye?" With sensitivity and knowing I was a young child looking for the answer "yes," they said, "yes." At such young ages we were deciding the fate of our puppa (with the help of family). I went to his bedside, caressed his forehead, talked with him and told him how much I had loved him, said my goodbye, and found out early morning the next day he died.
A shock wave. More like, unbelief. It was surreal. Was he really...dead? Maybe he left the hospital and was actually part of a secret mission and all of it was pretend? He was going to come back even if it took years.
Thoughts from a 10yo. I definitely had those thoughts well into my teen years.
The funeral. So many people came. I don't really remember that day too well. There are two vivid memories I have: pulling the lever up with my sister to have his body burned and turned into ashes - officially saying goodbye forever - and sitting in my cousin's car and asking "when I get married, who will walk me down the aisle?" (That question has since been answered ;)).
There is a picture of us and our family members who came down sitting around in the living room. All of our expressions...blank. Mostly staring. Not really looking anywhere.
Questions: Family: how are we going to move forward? who will take care of them?
Child: how am I going to go back to school? What will I tell my friends? Will I be able to
go on the trip to Washington D.C.?
Details I don't remember too well.
What happened after isn't so great. Memories not so wonderful. My mummi lost someone she loved and depended on tremendously. Her mind and body could not handle the mental trauma so her functioning came to an all time low. We went to stay with family for a few months (probably the most difficult memories that caused a lot of anger and bitterness to well up within me because it was something that no child should go through after losing a parent which have, thankfully, been forgiven and mended). Different family members stayed with us for months. Each helping us significantly in their own ways like when my sister told me that our uncle really helped her out by guiding her through our parents' finances and how to handle it all.
Then it kind of died down from there. If you have been through a loss you know what I mean. A lot of support in the beginning and then it trails off either little by little or all of a sudden. Which just means getting back to life. Moving forward.
Trying to close that chapter and begin the next one.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Friday, February 26, 2016
Nakedness
I've been thinking about a lot of different things lately.
Most recent of which has been about pornography.
And naked bodies.
I'd like to start with my thoughts on our naked bodies. Nakedness is not something to be ashamed of. God CREATED our bodies. It's make up is incredible. The trauma it can handle is miraculous. It houses our incredibly functioning organs that are always working around the clock and doing things that are complex and intricate. It heals itself. It HEALS. ITSELF. That's crazy. As a nurse, I have witnessed first hand a patient's body go from self-destruct to self-healing with/without help from medicine.
It brings us the greatest. intimate. pleasure. And sometimes disappointments.
I grew up in a pretty conservative family and geographical location. My mom NEVER talked about sex. The only thing I remember is when I started my period she said, in her sweet Indian accent, "Don't hang out with boys." The church talked about sex but only in light of abstinence (that was my personal experience). There wasn't anyone I could talk with about it. And not necessarily just sex. But our beautiful, nakedness. No one talked about how they appreciated his/her body and the things it can do.
I learned about sex from television, school and friends. But even then it wasn't like I really learned about it. It was a distorted view of sex for sure. (A distorted view of what the body "SHOULD" look like). It was more like I knew the word, and there were a couple of body parts involved and people always enjoyed it. And it was quick. I guess many of us learned it that way from conversations I've had.
I remember I felt shame, awkward and embarrassed talking about or thinking about it. It was uncomfortable. And I think it stemmed from not having an appreciation for the naked body or my own. Not respecting my own body and what it can do. What it is capable of. Not having a mature conversation about sex and our nakedness. (I mean, there was definitely some immaturity all across the board growing up but does that come from what and how we were taught or not taught? - something my husband and I have been discussing).
My body is strong and resilient. Sometimes it fails me. I know one day (maybe) I can house a baby INSIDE OF MY BODY. (That always seems so 'alien' to me - the fact that a woman's body nourishes another human inside of itself. Crazy, miraculous).
I was never taught about the naked body in the sense of appreciation and respect.
Were you?
I've been thinking about my future children (if we have any - I also think about the young folks in my life). My husband and I desire for them to appreciate and respect not only their own bodies but other peoples bodies. And its differences from one to the other. We desire to be an open book (depending on age, of course - we actually desire to be an open book about everything) to them. We want to talk about it even if they are uncomfortable or we're uncomfortable. We want to take what we learned from our childhoods and teach our children to have a HEALTHY view of nakedness and sex. (At least try to. I'm not a parent yet so it may be difficult. And not necessarily our future children but in any conversation that may come up with our friends and/or family). And a healthy view on other topics but that would expand into a MUCH LONGER post.
What do I mean by healthy? Good question.
That leads me to pornography. An unhealthy view of nakedness and sex. Many people either peruse it now and then or have an addiction to it - men and women. Pornography demeans women (and men). It is an unrealistic expectation regarding sex and someone's nakedness. Some of it involves extreme underage boys and girls and boys and girls who are not legal (16/17 yo but look older) and who may have been forced into the sex trafficking industry. It destroys. Children are looking at it (I've experienced it myself and in other kids lives when growing up) and those close to them are not talking about it so of course their views (and my own) on sex and nakedness was immature and unrealistic and distorted.
I think about those who have an addiction to it. And I think about those who seek help. I have someone close to me that I will reference. This person told me that the support group attended focused on: how to get rid of it by praying and seeking scriptures; boycotting everything and anything that will cause the person to stumble (which nowadays is very difficult as technology and media is available everywhere, all the time, and in some cases absolutely needed for work); and learning how to resist temptation.
What I usually hear about pornography is how it is a sin, how it's destructive and how to help men overcome it. (There are women, too, and that population is growing).
I think something should be added that would be helpful: going back to the person's past. What happened in their past? How did he/she learn about sex and nakedness?
Perhaps we should also talk about how we can react to sex and nudity by appreciating what God did in what He created. How incredibly beautiful our bodies are. How beautiful and important our sexuality is.
I think about the church because sex is a huge deal in our culture but it's not talked about very often within the house of God or within the home. Or it is but more in the sense of "sex should be within a marriage between a man and a woman," "learn to honor each others bodies (within a marriage)," "sex is holy and sacred." Or an approach that is white knuckle purity as my husband would describe it. I didn't hear much more about sex than that. I didn't hear much about nakedness either.
Healthy view of nakedness and sex. When I think of this I ultimately think of respect and appreciation. Respect and appreciation for my body (being kind and good to it, saying nice things about it) leading to respect and appreciation of other peoples bodies.
Maybe if we talked in this way it would help us all out all around? (Body shaming, pornography, rape, bullying...)
Most recent of which has been about pornography.
And naked bodies.
I'd like to start with my thoughts on our naked bodies. Nakedness is not something to be ashamed of. God CREATED our bodies. It's make up is incredible. The trauma it can handle is miraculous. It houses our incredibly functioning organs that are always working around the clock and doing things that are complex and intricate. It heals itself. It HEALS. ITSELF. That's crazy. As a nurse, I have witnessed first hand a patient's body go from self-destruct to self-healing with/without help from medicine.
It brings us the greatest. intimate. pleasure. And sometimes disappointments.
I grew up in a pretty conservative family and geographical location. My mom NEVER talked about sex. The only thing I remember is when I started my period she said, in her sweet Indian accent, "Don't hang out with boys." The church talked about sex but only in light of abstinence (that was my personal experience). There wasn't anyone I could talk with about it. And not necessarily just sex. But our beautiful, nakedness. No one talked about how they appreciated his/her body and the things it can do.
I learned about sex from television, school and friends. But even then it wasn't like I really learned about it. It was a distorted view of sex for sure. (A distorted view of what the body "SHOULD" look like). It was more like I knew the word, and there were a couple of body parts involved and people always enjoyed it. And it was quick. I guess many of us learned it that way from conversations I've had.
I remember I felt shame, awkward and embarrassed talking about or thinking about it. It was uncomfortable. And I think it stemmed from not having an appreciation for the naked body or my own. Not respecting my own body and what it can do. What it is capable of. Not having a mature conversation about sex and our nakedness. (I mean, there was definitely some immaturity all across the board growing up but does that come from what and how we were taught or not taught? - something my husband and I have been discussing).
My body is strong and resilient. Sometimes it fails me. I know one day (maybe) I can house a baby INSIDE OF MY BODY. (That always seems so 'alien' to me - the fact that a woman's body nourishes another human inside of itself. Crazy, miraculous).
I was never taught about the naked body in the sense of appreciation and respect.
Were you?
I've been thinking about my future children (if we have any - I also think about the young folks in my life). My husband and I desire for them to appreciate and respect not only their own bodies but other peoples bodies. And its differences from one to the other. We desire to be an open book (depending on age, of course - we actually desire to be an open book about everything) to them. We want to talk about it even if they are uncomfortable or we're uncomfortable. We want to take what we learned from our childhoods and teach our children to have a HEALTHY view of nakedness and sex. (At least try to. I'm not a parent yet so it may be difficult. And not necessarily our future children but in any conversation that may come up with our friends and/or family). And a healthy view on other topics but that would expand into a MUCH LONGER post.
What do I mean by healthy? Good question.
That leads me to pornography. An unhealthy view of nakedness and sex. Many people either peruse it now and then or have an addiction to it - men and women. Pornography demeans women (and men). It is an unrealistic expectation regarding sex and someone's nakedness. Some of it involves extreme underage boys and girls and boys and girls who are not legal (16/17 yo but look older) and who may have been forced into the sex trafficking industry. It destroys. Children are looking at it (I've experienced it myself and in other kids lives when growing up) and those close to them are not talking about it so of course their views (and my own) on sex and nakedness was immature and unrealistic and distorted.
I think about those who have an addiction to it. And I think about those who seek help. I have someone close to me that I will reference. This person told me that the support group attended focused on: how to get rid of it by praying and seeking scriptures; boycotting everything and anything that will cause the person to stumble (which nowadays is very difficult as technology and media is available everywhere, all the time, and in some cases absolutely needed for work); and learning how to resist temptation.
What I usually hear about pornography is how it is a sin, how it's destructive and how to help men overcome it. (There are women, too, and that population is growing).
I think something should be added that would be helpful: going back to the person's past. What happened in their past? How did he/she learn about sex and nakedness?
Perhaps we should also talk about how we can react to sex and nudity by appreciating what God did in what He created. How incredibly beautiful our bodies are. How beautiful and important our sexuality is.
I think about the church because sex is a huge deal in our culture but it's not talked about very often within the house of God or within the home. Or it is but more in the sense of "sex should be within a marriage between a man and a woman," "learn to honor each others bodies (within a marriage)," "sex is holy and sacred." Or an approach that is white knuckle purity as my husband would describe it. I didn't hear much more about sex than that. I didn't hear much about nakedness either.
Healthy view of nakedness and sex. When I think of this I ultimately think of respect and appreciation. Respect and appreciation for my body (being kind and good to it, saying nice things about it) leading to respect and appreciation of other peoples bodies.
Maybe if we talked in this way it would help us all out all around? (Body shaming, pornography, rape, bullying...)
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